I passed my exam! I get to be an LMSW! That has definitely been one of the gifts of the addiction….but this post isn’t about how awesome life is…it’s about how I can , in the midst of D’s consistent sobriety & good changes in life, STILL be such an emotional wreck at times.
Changes/transitions are never easy for me. Even if the changes are good (graduating from my master’s program, opening up my practice, D being sober), change makes my insides wretch a little, which kickstarts my auto-pilot response of snooping, disconnecting from my body, restricting food, and generally feeling like I’m floating on the ceiling rather than living in my 33 year old grown woman’s body.
I know that I can’t cause, control, or cure the sex addiction. I’ve come to that conclusion through years of work & I’ve made peace (sort of) with it. However…
While I can’t manage or manipulate the “3 C’s” of addiction (cause, control, cure), I can definitely CONTRIBUTE to the CRAZY CHAOS that comes with CHANGE. I don’t want to add crazy or chaos to my home. I want to be able to maintain peace, serenity, my OWN sobriety, and keep my side of the street clean while allowing D to manage his.
That is a tall order.
I “notice” things as a partner of a sex addict that most people wouldn’t. Kind of like a 6th sense…a superpower of sorts….i can always tell if he hasn’t slept, hasn’t taken his meds, I can tell (without even thinking about it) when the lotion has been used, when the car has been driven, & when he is oh-so-slightly making sure his cell phone isn’t left around. This isn’t even me actively snooping- years of codependent behavior have left me more observant of clues in the house that “all is not well.”
Does this mean he’s acting out? Not necessarily- the lotion could be due to the incredibly dry weather, the car could have been driven for any number of reasons, it is not my job to manage his meds, & he could be guarding his cell phone b/c he knows that one of my “crazy-making behaviors” is snooping. Could he be acting out? That possibility must always be considered.
So what’s the point of this ramble? My point is that NO MATTER WHAT is going on on the other side of the street, my job is to focus on my self-care, give myself food, sleep, water, and friendships, pray and release my will to the care of God, pray for D, and to focus on one day at a time, one minute at a time, & not try to run across the street and try to manage what’s over there, because inevitably that does NOT end up working out.
I started the day by journaling (haven’t done that in awhile), laundry (same), & making sure i ate some food (it wasn’t very healthy, but it was something). For me, the ‘next right thing’ to do was get on this blog and start typing. The next right thing will be to pet my dogs, take a breath, thank God for my life, and figure out what the next right thing is.
And so the journey continues….thank you all for being part of this story, and hope your day is full of peace & serenity!