Will we ever have sex again?

Hey everyone! It’s been a CRAZY few weeks running around getting the new office ready (yay!). Thanks to everyone for posting questions and sharing their experiences. It’s such an amazing feeling to know we are not crazy and not alone!

I wanted to throw out a quick post for today – One of the Alice in Wonderland characters (i think it was the white queen?) said something to the effect of, “I try to do 6 impossible things before breakfast.”

It’s past lunchtime now, but here’s a list of 6 things that are currently part of my life.  If you had asked me 5 years ago, I would have said all of these things were totally, utterly, undeniably impossible. With God and a LOT of hard work, all things are possible.

1. I have sex with my husband without picturing all the people he’s been with.

2. I enjoy sex. It’s still complicated, and there are times when it doesn’t work. But there are other times when it does. And when it works, it works well.

3. I do not snoop. I want to. I am still compelled to. But i do not look at my husband’s phone, computer, or receipts. The compulsion is not as strong as it used to be.

4. I have girlfriends. After discovering that my husband had sex with several of my good friends, I swore off having girl friends or having anything to do with women. I have good friends now that I enjoy. I still do not feel comfortable being around my girlfriends and my husband at the same time, but I can say that I have a group of women that I enjoy spending time with.

5. I eat what I want when I want to without bingeing or restricting. Part of my shutting down with the sex addiction was controlling what went in my mouth. I alternated between overeating and restricting. In a world where i had NO control over my SA, I coped by developing a variety of eating disorders- binge eating disorder in the beginning prior to the sexual disclosures, and then anorexia after. I haven’t stepped on a scale in nearly 5 years now, at the doctor’s office i stand on the scale backwards, and i can eat pretty much anything without a constant ticker tape of calorie counts going through my head. You will never hear me use the words “I’m being bad” or “I’m being good” when it comes to food.

6. A brand new, fully functioning, non-exploding or overheating vehicle. Somehow, despite the thousands of dollars of debt with counseling, rehab, moving, losing jobs, crossing states, and doing school, we have been blessed with a new 2013 Nissan Juke. Having NEVER had a car that i could guarantee would turn on when the key was inserted, this is a big deal to me. Even though it doesn’t exactly have anything to do directly with sex addiction, neglecting myself, my body, AND my finances have been collateral damage from dealing with the addiction. Recovery has also meant financial recovery. And it is a huge blessing. Just wanted to share.

10 Comments (+add yours?)

  1. Dan Smith
    Jun 05, 2013 @ 03:43:56

    I am a sex-aholic myself…and this posting gave me great peace! I am so grateful for stories like yours…people who have overcome this! Gives me something to believe in. I am so glad you found some things positive that have come through your recovery! Congratulations! Keep going strong and best of luck to you!

    Reply

  2. moncert
    Jun 06, 2013 @ 21:33:22

    Thanks for your blog. And for sharing so honestly.
    I’ve been thinking about this most recent post. It’s hopeful.

    I don’t know if you take ‘requests’ but I’d love to hear more about your path to overcoming ‘snooping’. Like, what kinds of things you tell yourself, or do when you feel compelled, or anything that has been helpful in your getting to the point you are today.

    Thanks for considering!

    Reply

    • dbiscuit
      Jul 16, 2013 @ 04:04:30

      Snooping for me is definitely a “mood altering” experience. I have lost hours, days, weeks of my life being completely obsessed with it. I have suffered at work because of it. I finally realized that if I am really taking the time to care for myself & my needs, and when i am in my healthiest state, I can usually tell when something is not right, and I don’t need to snoop to feel confident that I can trust myself. After awhile, snooping only serves to cut the wounds deeper. I call snooping “emotional cutting.” I used to justify it by saying “well if i don’t snoop, how will i ever know what is going on?” Then i started working the 12 steps for partners of addicts, and it really is amazing how the information you need to know will reveal itself to you if you are focusing on keeping yourself well. If I am feeling compelled to snoop, I try to bring the thought to marriage therapy where we can process the urge, the facts that drove the urge, & try to get to a resolution.

      Reply

      • moncert
        Jul 18, 2013 @ 16:08:00

        this perspective on snooping really is helpful, and a different way of looking at it than what i’ve run across before. thanks for taking the time to write that. do you have a guide/workbook you recommend for working the 12 steps for partners of addicts?

      • dbiscuit
        Jul 18, 2013 @ 16:13:47

        the S-anon literature is phenomenal. you can order it from their website, and they 2 books (a green one and a blue one) that have questions and are workbook style.

  3. ConquerSeries
    Jun 17, 2013 @ 06:49:08

    What an interesting post. Truly your journey is encouraging. May I invite you to visit http://www.conquerseries.com I think you’ll find this helpful. God bless you.

    Reply

  4. Veronica
    Jul 16, 2013 @ 01:35:30

    Hi, I am glad to have come across your story. I am a female in my early thirties who is dating a sex addict. He is currently in recovery and attends therapy weekly. He has made progress but I am scared that he will relapse one day. He has made mention of us taking things to the next level; getting engaged. Is it crazy for me to even consider marrying him?

    Reply

    • dbiscuit
      Jul 16, 2013 @ 04:01:07

      No one but you can make the call of whether to stay or whether to go, but I can say that while everyone has their issues, not everyone is honest about it. Is it possible he could relapse one day? Yes. Is it just as possible that if you broke up with him, the next guy you meet will also be a sex addict, but not necessarily in recovery? Every guy I’ve ever dated (including my now-husband) has had a pattern of active sexual addiction, intimacy avoidance, or some twist on ‘sexual issues.’ Is it possible he could be serious about his sobriety/recovery & be a great partner? Maybe. What is it about him that draws you to him, and do you have the resources you need to support yourself emotionally if you choose to stay? Just some food for thought…

      Reply

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