Sex & Vegetables

Happy New Year everyone! 2014…wow.

While I’m not big on new year’s resolutions (vehemently OPPOSED to them would be more accurate), I have decided that my goal for the next few months will be sex & vegetables.

And no, I have not gone batty.

The first year of recovery with my husband we had sex all the time. Disconnected, frantic, “I have to do it so he won’t act out” sex. My body knew things weren’t right- I kept getting UTIs and other assorted genital fun. That first year- too much of the wrong kind of sex.

The second year of recovery we stopped – cold turkey. My body went into full strike mode. If you haven’t heard of the term “Sexual Anorexia,” get the book by Patrick Carnes- immediately. The second year- not enough of the right kind of sex.

The third year of recovery something interesting happened- during the course of both of us working individual recovery plans with our own peer support & therapists, we decided that we needed to recalibrate our sexuality, and the only way to do that was a major detox- in other words, we quit having sex for 7 months. Intentionally. Mindfully.

And yes, we survived. No, his penis did not shrivel up and fall off. And no, my nether regions did not become a desolate wasteland. Quite the contrary- giving up sex allowed us to redefine what intimate sex looked like, how to connect as a couple, and how to connect with our bodies and emotions in a way that was not immediately sexualized.

And after relapses, 3 residential treatment stays, and countless hours of prayer, therapy, and wading through the muck, we have finally shifted into what could considered a “healthy” sex life.

I still do not love eating vegetables. I’m a junk food junkie. But I’ve come to appreciate a beautifully prepared veggie dish. I often avoid sex because I don’t want to do the work of being connected to my emotions, connected to my body, connected to my husband, etc….and sometimes, spacing out into fantasy land seems like a good idea.

but…

vegetables are necessary for a healthy body. Connected, healthy, intimate sex is important for a healthy marriage. Detox is essential for both.

(I also should add- my husband is phenomenal in bed. i suppose that’s the benefit of acting out sexually for so many years…at least now i am the beneficiary of all that experience. there is no lacking for O’s when he shows up…)

But I digresss….

sex & vegetables. there you have it. my goals for 2014.

What are yours?

8 Comments (+add yours?)

  1. Zee
    Jan 04, 2014 @ 07:43:25

    I just want to say thank you.

    Sometimes I get so angry that I have to read stuff like this in order to feel encouraged. I’m at that angry stage of ‘why do I have to go to meetings for his addictions?,’ but I am obviously not well myself. We’re no longer together and I’m still struggeling with the loss of the relationship- this idea I had of him and us. It’s so hard sometimes.

    I was just telling a friend how I dont know how I’ll ever have “normal” sex after my experience with my ex. Like you, I’ve been there with the crazy no boundary sex just to ensure he doesnt stray. Last year was such a crazy year. Reading this recent postof yours just reminds me that it will be okay. I don’t need to worry about that, just focus on my own recovery for the meantime.

    I just really wanted to thank you again for your courage to write/blog about your experience with something that is huge/ scary/ and everywhere yet rarely talked about in public forum.

    Reply

  2. Samantha Baker
    Jan 04, 2014 @ 13:38:34

    As long as you aren’t having sex WITH vegetables, it’s all good, LOL!

    I totally understand the struggles in the beginning. I’ve blogged about similar. We too are in the mindful sex stage and the emotional intimacy that we have with each other is what makes it so much better.

    Reply

  3. Jeff
    Jan 04, 2014 @ 23:33:59

    I like it and I really enjoy your blog. Keep up the good work!

    Reply

  4. Bel
    Jan 05, 2014 @ 23:54:23

    I have read through your entire blog today and want to thank you, you and your blog have been incredibly helpful for me. I discovered my husbands addiction a little over a month ago and I am consistently looking for answers the majority of every day. Reading your blog has been very comforting and I look forward to your every future post.

    Reply

  5. Coffee1770
    Mar 13, 2014 @ 16:02:32

    I’m new to your blog; and so glad I stumbled upon it. So much of what you express is like looking in a mirror for me. when you described ( or maybe one of your readers) looking at his phone being like emotional cutting… Hit the nail on the head. My journey has been about the same time as yours: he began in 2007 ( must have been a big year for SA ) I found out in 2008, believing it was an affair/ make that plural. He kept saying he had no idea why he was doing it. We went to a weak therapist ( not knowing any better) who fed him pablum for 500$ an hour and said, no, you’re not an addict, tell me more about your childhood…. Clearly there was a lot of childhood baggage mixed in….but nothing was getting solved. And then his SA erupted to include prostitution, fantasy, and toxic texting. It has been a long twisted road, but finally the light bulb recently went on for me. I read many books, found a new therapist who immediately suggested a 12 step program, and support and help directed at the addiction. He now admits and understands he has addictions, yes there were signs of addictive behavior before. He couldn’t seem to buy himself enough clothes gadgets shoes etc. I always wondered, what hole was he trying to fill? Now I have a better understanding. I’m not ready to throw the baby out with the bath water yet, although I have been on the edge of running so many times. It is just comforting to hear other women talk about how they felt “insane”- I have felt like I’m losing my mind for the last seven years of insanity. Think you for making the journey more tolerable, and much less alone. Blessings and all my best wishes that you find peace.

    Reply

  6. Kara
    May 17, 2014 @ 11:10:00

    I was actually “google-ing” … “Safe things to do in the bedroom with a sex addict” when I stumbled upon your blog. Me and my husband are on a 90 day no sex no masturbation. It’s driving me nuts and I’m not the sex addict! Or could I be since I’ve been with one for almost 5 years?! Same with my hubby, best sex ever! But I’m trying to figure out, can we go back to our old kinky ways and dirty talk or do we have to have missionary for the rest of our lives just so he doesn’t have any triggers that would cause a relapse. His last relapse just happened a month ago-our baby girl only a week old!! He got busted speaking sexually to a 14 yr old who was actually a cop!! And got arrested when he showed up to meet this “girl” his picture and name was posted on every news station in our town! Every one knows now of his secret and when I had to explain to my family and friends I’ve been dealing with this for 2 yrs they all think I am CRAZY! Maybe I am! Aren’t we all for staying by our mans side? Or are we really humble? He now went on his own for help. Once he was actually arrested for his addiction that’s when it hit him hard that he is sick! Oh and he’s in the military and might be getting kicked out now-all because of his addiction!

    Reply

  7. recovery girl
    May 31, 2014 @ 13:44:35

    Hi Kara, what a lot to deal with, hope you are both getting the help you need. Im pleased to hear he is getting some help but what about you? There is rather a lot going on in this relationship and I guess you could really do with a bit of help for yourself.
    Regards
    Recovery girl

    Reply

  8. recovery girl
    Jun 22, 2014 @ 20:22:07

    Hi dbiscuit and all, on the subject of sex, we seem to be left with a strange sexual relationship and our therapist seems to think things will improve once my trust does.
    The one thing I find strange is kissing him, when he was acting out he would do anything in our sexual act to avoid this intimacy and now I’m doing that to him in recovery. I really don’t know why I avoid this and this is a horrible way to have any sexual relations without kissing involved.
    Is this normal ?

    Reply

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