99% of the time, my own experience has taught me that confronting the other woman is not usually a good idea. It can stir the pot, cause unneeded additional stress, stir up a ‘competition’ mentality, and the list of “pros” generally does not outweigh the potential downfalls of confronting the other woman.
Since I have figured this out through trial and error, I can say that there are some times (in my opinion) that it is necessary and possibly beneficial to confront. Take what is useful and leave the rest, but here is a list of my greatest “hits.”
I found out many months after she moved out that he was having an affair with her. Why, you might ask, in God’s green earth would I allow a female roommate? Keep in mind this was in my early 20s, I had ZERO grid for what sex addiction was, and I was in my own haze of eating disorder, exercise addiction, and prescription pill addiction. She texted me looking for my husband’s new phone number. I replied, “I know what you did. I know everything. I forgive you.” She didn’t reply. I figured that maybe guilting her would be more effective than starting a war. It seemed to work- we never heard from her again
This one was more of a “fuck you bitch, how dare you start something with my husband, don’t ever let me see your face again, etc. etc.” Definitely cringe worthy in retrospect. My opinion on this is when you confront in anger, you incite the other woman to want to fight back. Woman who are into married men (and i speak from personal experience here, having been involved in my own intrigues with married men, are generally working through some sort of family of origin “mama trauma.” If you try to go toe to toe, you will probably end up with a pretty nasty situation.
The Family-Sanctioned Affair Partner:
His family knew about this one, and for awhile they thought they were “in love.” This was a disaster cocktail of phone calls, emails, and texts with her, with her saying on one hand “I’m sorry for the pain that this has caused you,” to “I’m very sorry this happened this way, but we are in love and will probably end up together if you guys don’t work it out.”
So back and forth we went- me sending her emails to PLEASE TAKE MY HUSBAND’S F-ING PICTURE OFF YOUR FACEBOK PAGE. Her calling me. Mess.
The one from years past…
I thought we were done with this one. I really did. After my trial and error, I had officially taken the position of “do not confront the other woman.” However, 10 years later, she popped up on Facebook commenting on a picture of him. I sent her a very nice email, where i said i wish her nothing but joy and happiness, and that i’d appreciate if she no longer posted comments or liked pictures of my husband. She replied with a snarky, “sure, no problem. best of luck to you dealing with your pain and the past.”
An apology would have been nicer….live & learn.
Anyone have experience confronting the other woman? Feel free to share!