confronting the other woman….

99% of the time, my own experience has taught me that confronting the other woman is not usually a good idea. It can stir the pot, cause unneeded additional stress, stir up a ‘competition’ mentality, and the list of “pros” generally does not outweigh the potential downfalls of confronting the other woman.

However.

Since I have figured this out through trial and error, I can say that there are some times (in my opinion) that it is necessary and possibly beneficial to confront. Take what is useful and leave the rest, but here is a list of my greatest “hits.”

The Roommate:

I found out many months after she moved out that he was having an affair with her. Why, you might ask, in God’s green earth would I allow a female roommate? Keep in mind this was in my early 20s, I had ZERO grid for what sex addiction was, and I was in my own haze of eating disorder, exercise addiction, and prescription pill addiction. She texted me looking for my husband’s new phone number. I replied, “I know what you did. I know everything. I forgive you.” She didn’t reply. I figured that maybe guilting her would be more effective than starting a war. It seemed to work- we never heard from her again

The Co-Worker:

This one was more of a “fuck you bitch, how dare you start something with my husband, don’t ever let me see your face again, etc. etc.” Definitely cringe worthy in retrospect. My opinion on this is when you confront in anger, you incite the other woman to want to fight back. Woman who are into married men (and i speak from personal experience here, having been involved in my own intrigues with married men, are generally working through some sort of family of origin “mama trauma.” If you try to go toe to toe, you will probably end up with a pretty nasty situation.

The Family-Sanctioned Affair Partner:

His family knew about this one, and for awhile they thought they were “in love.” This was a disaster cocktail of phone calls, emails, and texts with her, with her saying on one hand “I’m sorry for the pain that this has caused you,” to “I’m very sorry this happened this way, but we are in love and will probably end up together if you guys don’t work it out.”

YUCK.

So back and forth we went- me sending her emails to PLEASE TAKE MY HUSBAND’S F-ING PICTURE OFF YOUR FACEBOK PAGE. Her calling me. Mess.

The one from years past…

I thought we were done with this one. I really did. After my trial and error, I had officially taken the position of “do not confront the other woman.” However, 10 years later, she popped up on Facebook commenting on a picture of him. I sent her a very nice email, where i said i wish her nothing but joy and happiness, and that i’d appreciate if she no longer posted comments or liked pictures of my husband. She replied with a snarky, “sure, no problem. best of luck to you dealing with your pain and the past.”

An apology would have been nicer….live & learn.

Anyone have experience confronting the other woman? Feel free to share!

13 Comments (+add yours?)

  1. recovery girl
    Feb 17, 2014 @ 18:47:51

    little do the other woman know that they are nothing more than an object to the sex addict .

    Reply

  2. recovery girl
    Feb 17, 2014 @ 19:10:48

    I’ve never been able to cope with my husband having social network sites since sex addiction and he has agreed its a small price to pay to have me and his family.
    I have never seen his other woman/women but I did find that hard to deal with as its an area I cant have closure on, but I do take some delight in knowing how desperate and needy they were to go for a man with so much baggage.
    when I was younger and out there I would have never looked at an old married man with a wife kids etc., I didn’t have to steal a desperate man who was only attracted by sex and smutty antics ( what poor self worth they must have) I could attract them for what I was.

    Reply

    • Kara
      May 17, 2014 @ 10:59:06

      Most of their partners don’t know. My husband had over 200 in 2 yrs and only a handful knew he was married. Even some of them were married.

      Reply

  3. PoSARC - Partners of Sex Addicts Resource Center
    Feb 18, 2014 @ 18:36:05

    Can’t agree with you more, DB…generally, confronting isn’t a good idea. The way I think about this is that if you’re partnered with a sex addict, the other women are practically a guarantee- I mean, that’s the addiction, right?….but if you want to make yourself the cop or the detective and then confront her, it just adds catnip to the game the addict and the other woman (women?) are playing.

    Then again, I do know one PoSA who did call up all fifty of the women her sex-addicted hubby had contacted online for encounters. She said it really blew her mind that almost all of these other women had no idea he was married! He had made up elaborate yarns about being a widower, or else, that his WIFE was a cheater so he had no choice but to look around elsewhere….So she got vital information about what a sociopathic liar he was, and promptly filed for divorce.

    So today, I first listen to the WHY….why does a PoSA want to contact the other woman….and I still think polygraphs are a brilliant invention as a once-a-year or twice-a-year final gate the addict has to pass through in order to stay in relationship with you. I’ve now worked with too many PoSAs who have contracted deadly STD’s because they believed their SA when he said he was done with the other women….
    That’s my two hundred cents on the topic! :-)
    Thanks for your great post!!
    All Best, Lili Bee

    Reply

    • dbiscuit
      Mar 01, 2014 @ 04:30:56

      Thank you Lili!!!! I miss connecting with you- let’s get something on the calendar soon for a phone date. I’ve been following your adventures as well, and I am SOOO SOOO (did i mention SOOO) glad our paths crossed. thanks for your two hundred cents- it’s worth a zillion in my book :)

      Reply

  4. recovery girl
    Feb 24, 2014 @ 22:56:09

    interesting you mentioned polygraphs as I have been informed that they are sometimes inaccurate and there are different opinions about them. Personally I have not wished to pursue this route as I feel that they are only as good as at the time they were taken and then you have 11months or whatever the gap is in between polygraphs to still catch STDs or for them to deceive you, or to be living on the edge until the next test. I feel that if your other half is in recovery then you start to see a difference in the person and if that remains consistent it probably means that they are taking recovery seriously. I know there is no easy answer but this is something that we also discussed with our therapist and he was also reluctant that we should become reliant on this for reassurance and trust.

    I feel when talking about confronting the other woman its a strange thing that happens to you when you find out your husband is an addict or having sex with others, when you had absolutely no idea its almost a compulsion a searching need to try and piece your life together. Not all the other women are deceived by the addict as mine told his the score about his family, not sure why, but they had no scruples and were almost turned on by it and not off. Maybe it made weak individuals feel powerful ! So for me that speaks volumes about the other woman/ women and I am glad I never pursued them in great detail ( it was just circumstance that I didn’t get to do this) as I can imagine what they would be like.

    Reply

  5. Michelle
    Feb 25, 2014 @ 14:38:18

    Not only did I confront the other woman…who he refuses to stop working with…I confronted her boyfriend a few months later, when he got home from work one day (with her in their house no less). Everyone warned me not to, but I felt very strong about it….she is definitely a sex addict herself, and her boyfriend lives with that. He was very compassionate with what I was going through though. I went at both of them with a very loving and compassionate demeanor, even apologetic to her boyfriend…it took courage, and I cried with both of them, but it definitely made me feel better…..

    I knew my husband had a strong desire for sex and a huge attraction to other women but I never thought it would go any further…we’ve been together for 16yrs (I’m 32) and this is his first affair (…that actually lead to sex anyway, he did make out with another woman once years ago at a party-I just found out about this too). I’m thinking it’s an addiction, though minor compared to some stuff I’ve read…. Now he’s saying he’s always hid from me who he really was and doesn’t want to anymore. He loves to flirt with other woman at work…he loves that they make him feel good and desired…he said he may even cheat again now that he’s been with this other woman (I was his only one before that) and now he’s not sure if he wants to stop it…..then on the other hand he cries and says he wants to make our marriage work and keep our family together…we have three boys so I want to fight for who I thought we were, but do I really want them having this example???

    Reply

  6. mdenise1
    Feb 25, 2014 @ 16:21:00

    Geeze Michelle. That’s a tuff one. He has got to want to get better or he won’t. If he continues on the route he’s on,there will be more woman. If he is an Addict ,He cannot get better without help. There is probably way more that went on that you don’t know about. Sad…but true….If you choose to stay and look the other way be strong cause it won’t just go away! I am with a recovering addict…so I’ve lived it. He is in recovery since I found out, almost a year ago.

    Reply

  7. Vikki
    Mar 02, 2014 @ 14:25:55

    The only way I ever would have found out the truth about his cheating was by confronting the othe women. I opened his phone bill.Boom! Number one. Called her. She knew nothing about me. He met her on line. Told her he loved her. Texted her 1600 times in one month and called her obsessively. She lived in another city and he told her he was going to move there. The lies he told me. The lies he told her are so deep it’s pathological.
    So he gets caught. Lies about the details of the affair and takes up with another one closer to home. I find him huddled under the covers in his room with his phone.
    Huge fight. Get phone. Check contacts and find her. False name. Call her and the real truth comes out. He is on fetlife. Viking Dom. Meets them via a degenerate site.
    She was also very truthful and felt bad. No idea he was married. Told me he had just been at her house, called her every morning, noon and night. Sent her lewd photos. She told me all she wants is someone to bang her hard and leave bruises on her body. There is more but if I had not contacted these two sex addicts themselves I never would have uncovered the truth.
    It hurt like no pain I have ever experienced but it also uncovered his secret life.
    I am tring to work my way thru the trauma and he is, for the first time in his life, forced to look at himself and understand the devastating effect he has had on all of us who loved and believed in him.

    Reply

  8. Rita Maye
    May 15, 2014 @ 16:57:00

    I have not spoken with the other woman for months, but there is something that is bothering me. I have HPV, I know that she and my partner had unprotected sex. I feel like I should tell her that she should go get tested. As much as I hate her I do not want her to get cervical cancer. Any advice?

    Reply

  9. Kara
    May 17, 2014 @ 10:54:26

    My husband is a sex addict. Shit sucks. Anyways..I found out cause the other woman contacted me to tell me. Well she is a shemale & told me her and my husband hooked up twice and that he was into “T girls” made me sick to my stomach. She was very rude to me and said super vulgure things to me-in detail what they did. Then I started to ask more questions and she said “Bitch leave me alone!” Ugg!

    Reply

  10. Cychowell
    Jun 08, 2014 @ 15:44:19

    I actually don’t have anyone to confront right now. An am still in the process of trying to figure that out. Although I know what I feel an what I sense. I got with this guy about nine months ago an am now pregnant with his baby. While I love him with all my heart. I have to say this is the weirdest relationship I’ve ever been in.
    In the beginning .. he traveled the east. coast. An I gladly traveled with him. Sex was good. Relationship was awesome. Then I got pregnant. An started getting ectremley ill.
    Later on.. after he got in trouble for some things an was currently locked up. I found out a lot of things. One if which he was telling girls he had left me because I could t handle the road.
    He swear he never did anything. Never met anyone. But I feel differently. Especially towards the end.. before he got in trouble. When he stopped taking me with.him an couldn’t get out the door fast enough.
    We are trying to work through.things. but I’m still finding stuff that is proof an he’s still denying. And while I know how much he liked am enjoyed sex. He doesn’t anymore. An I don’t feel good enough for him anymore. I don’t know what to do.

    Reply

  11. Krista
    Aug 07, 2014 @ 08:49:53

    I am living with a sex addict – actually addict of all sorts. I relate to you in so many ways – thank you for your site. I wanted to share a particular experience that even I don’t understand – but regarding one of his ‘women’ – I have reached out and suggested we meet. I am the person that if I know the truth – I’m better at handling the situation – but lie and continue to lie – I start to spin out of control with imagining, feeling insecure, and not being able to trust. They have since been over for a while. Anyway, we have now all been in each others company a hand ful of times – she’s come over in a friendly manner only. Not sure what I am getting out of this but somehow feel better – idk? Felt like sharing – again thanks for providing a safe, judge free environment to share. K

    Reply

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